Hi, is your mum….

I haven’t told my mum about this. So, mum if you’re like ever gonna read what Im writing online, this one’s for you.

So, heaven forbids, I’ve officially reached the age when my parents, relatives, neighbours, friends, colleagues, mum’s friends, dad’s friends, distant relatives, teachers, people whom I meet once a year, people whom I meet once in three years, people whom I’ve met for three minutes actually cares whether I AM ATTACHED.

Yea, I can even sing a song about it….

“Everywhere I go….” (Echo: Everywhere I go.. )

“People wanna know…” (Echo: People wanna know..)

“Who I AM…” (Echo: Who I am…)

“If Im attached..” (Echo: If I’m attached..)

“So I tell them…” (Echo: So I tell them..)

NO.

No.

nO.

Thanks for all the love AUNTIES and MUMMIES, for wanting to intro your son, your son’s friends, your friends, your friends’ friends, your friend’s son’s friends, your girl’s boyfriend, I meant your girl’s girlfriend’s friends’ ex-boyfriends to me. But its okay. Its really okay just to ask me things like “How’s school? How’s work?” when you see me, since we all know everyone’s just asking just for the sake of asking. Sorry thats rude, i meant asking cause you all care so much about me, REALLY. But yea, its okay if you do away with “没有带男朋友来啊” during Christmas, “你男朋友没有来啊” during CNY 2 months later,”有男朋友了吗?” when we freaking go to Chua Chu Kang to clean Ahma’s grave, “几时到你?” during a relative’s wedding 2 months later, oh and even during whoever’s funeral 3 months later too while sitting at the white table eating sweets and drinking chrysanthemum. Its really okay to skip the “几时到你?” after seeing my cousin say she’s going off soon cause she wants to watch Avengers with her boyfriend.  ITS REALLY OKAY cause when you say that it really makes me wanna look at the altar of the deceased and say ” 几时到你” too. No, Im KIDDING… Really.

Anyway, my mum’s at it again recently… Its actually been awhile since I lunched with her cause I’ve been so busy with school and work so I was really excited when I finally had time for some KFC with her. So while me and my mum and my aunt were happily eating our meals, I started telling them about my not-so-happy experiences and stressful moments in school. I finished my stories and waited for my “加油, you can do it” with my puppy-dog eyes when mum went…..

Mum: Girl ah, when are you gonna give me grandchildren?

*!!!!!!* (什么鬼~)

OS: Okay, you’re obviously not concerned about what Im facing in school but WTF, mum, how many steps did you skip? Where did the boyfriend part go? Gosh, I love how you’re so on point. LIKE, straight to child-bearing? High level of openness mum…

Me: *Tries to sound super sweet and cute* HAHA, mum, thats like NOT HAPPENING.

Mum: What? Why? 难道你喜欢女的ah? Girl, you like girls is it?

*!!!!!!* (OHMYTIAN)

Mum: If its like that, Im okay too..

*!!!!!!!!* (MY HEART STOPPED)

CHILL GIRL CHILL. BUT WTS?

Me: HUH No la! What are you thinking mum, I just cant find boyfriend~ No one wants me (OHMYTIAN MY MUM’s CRAZY)

Mum: How can it be? You tall and pretty, should be easy mah!

*-.-*

*Let have some cool music fade in cause here comes gossipy aunt*

Aunt: Ya lo! Girl ah~ Why you still no boyfriend? You know ah your mummy your age already give birth to you liao. You see your cousins all attached liao. You so pretty, how come don’t have? Impossible la!

*Rolls eyes x2 x3 x4 x5*

就是没有,没有, 没有. Dont have. 没有. 要讲多少次~没有…..

Me: *Tries to sound super sweet and cute AGAIN* Aiyo, cannot find leh.

Aunt: Okay, I help you see. Got la, a lot! Got the who and the who and the who all okay mah….

(Crap.)

Mum: Ya ya, you help her see see…. Best is 30 plus, cannot too young, then can take care of her. Older guys better, more stable..

*Rolls eyes x6 x7 x8 x9*
(Mum, Dad was older than you by 8 and you guys divorced kay! DIVORCED.)

Me: *SMILES*

Anyway, here comes the best part of the story.. My mum is so fantastic, you’ll be surprised.

NEXT DAY: On instagram’s Private Message.

“Hi, is your mum the owner of Crab at Bay?”

Me: Erm.. Ya… *thinking he probably wants to do some promotion or saw my news or tv shows somewhere about the restaurant*

“HAHA, your mum wanted to introduce you to me..”

*WAIT WHUT!!!!! REPEAT. WHAT? OMG. AWKWARD. OMG.*

I’ve no idea what my mum was thinking man. I thought she’d know better that her daughter is not a chatty person. Like I especially don’t chat with random guys over Facebook or instagram. If I do, I’d probably be attached 10 years ago when I played HABBOHOTEL and MAPLESTORY every single day. ARGH. What do you expect out of the conver mum……

“Hi, is your mum the owner of Crab at Bay?”

Me: Erm.. Ya…

“HAHA, your mum wanted to introduce you to me..”

Me: Oh..

“…..”

??@?$!$!@#!$

How…

What…

Okay.

Chill.

Relax.

I figured.

One thing for sure.

I should at least give chance, you know.

I should at least click in the profile and take a look.

Maybe I’ll know what to say from there…

Okay.. lets see.

Maybe he looks good.

Or like he might have the same interests.

Or…

He cooks?

*Rolls eyes x10*
Right. KTHXBYE.

Just so you know mum, Im always proud of you for your efficiency and effectiveness when it comes to looking for a boyfriend for your daughter.

Yes, she took one day to find me a guy.

To message me on instagram.

One day.

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